I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
