my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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