thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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