youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
