I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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