I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
