Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
