If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
