So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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