when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
