when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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