You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
