can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
