Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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