ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
