So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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