Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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