it's too hot outside to masturbate.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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