have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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