Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
