I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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