all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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