Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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