he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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