1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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