My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
