If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
