6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
My liver just had a heart attack.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
