My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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