I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He kissed a someone with a penis
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
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