i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
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