I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
