apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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