How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
