He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
