Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
