I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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