I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize