evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
