Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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