I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
it hurts more in the daytime
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize