You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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