How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
