I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
