Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
