She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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