dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
