shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
