I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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