You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
