Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My liver just had a heart attack.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
