Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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