So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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