Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
