i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize