its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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