if you like me you must not know who I am
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
