If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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