Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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