stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
