Me too!
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
