the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
