It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
