Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
