She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
